you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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