Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
