JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
