found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I need a beard to bite.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
