I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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