i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
