so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
