I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
