wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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