My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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