got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
