You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
