i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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