i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
