well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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