Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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