i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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