i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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