Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
