I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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