4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
