her vagine was all disorganized.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
