we have pet lesbian snakes
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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