Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
