I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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