How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
