Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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