is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
