I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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