i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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