i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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