My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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