Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
