I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
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