Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
