im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
