remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
