This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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