you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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