I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
i believe in u and ur pee
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
