I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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