i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
