I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
