You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
