someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
