I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
