while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
