My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
