Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
