yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
