i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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