Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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