Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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