apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
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If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
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And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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