I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
