I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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